the cult of conspirituality and recovery from it | Mary Grace Fellowes

Updated: Apr 11

Initially I wanted this post to be another one about a collective shift. But in reality I don’t know how big of a shift it is. I see the pattern in myself and a lot of people around me. So I want to make it clear that the word “collective” doesn’t have to be applied to the entire world. “Collective” can be as big and as small as we want it to be. So I decided not to do that. This post is purely my perspective and experience of how I became part of the conspiritual rhetoric, why it happened in my opinion, why I left and why that’s how it should be. At least for me and for now.

The beginning.

In 2020, around the same time the world was struck by a pandemic that we thought would last for a couple of months. We ended up being stuck with it for the entire year and collectively started experiencing a lot of things: distrust in the government, uncertainty about the future, isolation and many other issues. All of that combined together with sudden free time (for a lot of people) within 4 walls with our personal unresolved traumas triggered the wave of “awakenings”. And I am using quotation marks because unfortunately it wasn’t the awakening we were longing for. And I am saying all of this in hindsight, because at the time I almost fell for it all and I truly believed that this is going to be the great change that we are all looking for.

Distrust in the government, secrets, uncertainty created a great foundation for Conspiracy theories to rise and infiltrate the world of spirituality. The Great Awakening map that we are familiar with was created and became viral exactly last year. Q-Anon rhetoric started spreading a lot faster because of the upcoming elections and because of the speculations and theories behind Covid-19, an unseen circumstances that current generations have never lived through. Because of how traumatising and confusing all the measures to fight with the virus were, a lot of people started suspecting that this was all planned. Media played on it, TikTok creators picked it up and suddenly everyone’s awakened. To the truth of the government control, the secrecy, illuminati and of course the aliens. Hell, even I believed that Covid was planned for about a week, before I looked into evidence and science with a little more precision.

Summer and autumn were the seasons that made these theories blossom and grow, with and on each other. With elections around the corner we’ve had multiple dates for the ultimate “deadline” for awakening to happen or end, the planet splitting in two based on vibrations and other wacky ideas. I have seen people under the influence of some kind of heavy substance claiming that they’ve hacked the 5D. I had sessions with someone who wholeheartedly and unironically advised me to watch “Fall of cabal” and this should’ve been my red flag for leaving the community I became a part of by accident.

The realisation.

But I didn’t see red flags. I now can fully accept the fact that I was more than half way in conspirituality. Because truthfully, if I wasn’t, then leaving this cult-like mentality wouldn’t have been as heavy and traumatising as it was. I got myself into a position of someone who people are looking up to, when it comes to spirituality through that exact conspiritual mindset. I worked and associated myself with people who also were very deep into Big Pharma ideology and even bits of Q-Anon, which only became obvious to me with time (aka too late). And once I developed that position of “authority” and once I started looking into science and more information about the things that I believed in, I realised that the majority of those are a lie, a delusion and a gigantic sign of ignorance.

For several months I couldn’t understand why I was so angry and so triggered by everything I was getting on my FYP. For months I was getting stressed and pressured to post, even though all my crazy theories were gone and all I could do now is be angry and people who are caught up in the same lie where I was. Where I almost fell for good. I started getting chronic stress and anxiety about posting and maintaining my account, my content was so different from what I was doing before that it didn’t gain the traction like before and even though the numbers aren’t the meaning of life - the significant drop in them was disheartening and it burnt me out.

Eventually I realised that my stress was coming from the fact that I was still attached to the algorithm, to the people, to the version of me that no longer existed. My perspectives on spirituality and everything else that I have experienced during summer last year have shifted way too much for me to stay in the same account. But interestingly it was hard to leave it all. It cost me a little less than a year to build that community and I was pitying myself. It was unbelievable to delete all that I have built with time and effort.

Slowly I started realising that due to the shift in my perspective, my For You Page also shifted and I no longer was getting the same wacky conspiritualists. It made me think that it is time for me to get back to where I was before TikTok. During the times of lockdowns I lost myself. The isolation was so long, that I forgot where I was headed before everything closed down. So I did.

Where am I now?

Life after TikTok is interesting. I no longer need confirmations for my beliefs, I don’t look for validations of my Spiritual path from other people. I am not looking for signs or downloads from other people to confirm what I have seen or experienced. I no longer assign deep meaning to mundane experiences and I don’t look for endless content that I need to share. I guess the biggest part of the TikTok toxicity for me was the sensationalism. In the spiritual community on TikTok you have to have something out of this world to get noticed and heard, but I no longer had that. Because the motto that I am now using everywhere “there is nothing more spiritual than being human” was actually finally processed by my brain. My goal became different.

I don’t want to make spiritual experience any more mysterious or sensational than a regular human life. I want myself and others to remember that our human life is the most magical thing that we can get and we need to live it. And if there is no life outside social media, like it clearly was for me for some time, then whose life am I living? And the most interesting thing here is that the only actual way to heal the world and come to the new earth, that conspirituality promotes, is through accountability, awareness and change. Bypassing and ignorance of any kind will not be helpful.

My workings as a coach and a guide haven't completely stopped. I might resume them after the recovery road. And to be fair, I need to study some things before I can come back headstrong. But what I will do from now on - is share my human experiences. Everything is tied u[ together now and my human life, with all of my interests: in music, true crime, fitness and body positivity, mental health awareness and anything else - are also part of the same spiritual journey.

Cults destroy your personality. Which is what happened to me, partially. I have fully forgotten who I am. And it’s the time for me to remember my authenticity, come back to it and unlearn everything that hurt me in this community. This is my recovery time, so to speak. I am coming back to all the things that I liked and that were the focus of my life before TikTok: fitness, well-being, mental health awareness and healing, self-care with a hint of Spirituality on the side. So if you want to join me on this road to authenticity, follow my Instagram. The party will be there.

My experience, even though it’s still connected with a cult mentality, is in no way close to someone’s experience of an organised cult and I will never claim that. In any case of any trauma, I always will advise to find a professional that specialises in your specific traumas. But also, self-education, to be able to understand your trauma a little better. And in case if you are dealing with post-cult recovery, here are some links that can be useful for you:

Until next time.


P.S.: The most interesting thing is what’s happening to me right now. I am still working with my guides and Source, but because of my perspective shifting, I no longer separate them from myself. The more in tune I am with my body and myself in general, the more I am connected to Source. It’s not in the “third eye”, it’s not in “chakras”, it’s not somewhere else, but within. For a long time I was promoting that idea, but I only understood it better now, just like it usually happens. I will tell a little more about this next week, so stay tuned.

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© 2020 by Mary Grace Fellowes.